Aye Carumba!
by The Potions Mistress
Summary: Hobbits, elves, wizards, witches, beer-flavored things, love triangles, and a very evil Professor Snape. Chapters are on the short side, so read please! ~FINISHED~
1. Nursery Rhymes, Jellybeans, and Legolas ...

Prepare ye.  
  
This crazy little work of fanfiction was written by myself, The Potions Mistress, and my best friend, Wanda. We write it back and forth in school instead of listening in class. She has written all the odd chapters and I the even ones. It is all in fun, purely a joke, and by no means what I would consider a good sample of either of our writing. It is, however, one hell of a hilarious cross over. It's about time this world had a cross over of epic proportions, so it is with great honor that we present this to you.  
  
Disclaimer: Neither Wanda nor I own Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings. They belong to JK Rowling and JRR Tolkein. (I'm thinking of changing my name to TP Mistress… ok, not funny, I know, I'll shut up). You should all just be glad that I don't own any hobbits and Wanda doesn't own any elves. The world might be a different (ie: scary) place. :o)  
  
This story also has LOTS of inside jokes in it. And guess what? You get to be in on the jokes, because otherwise you wouldn't understand some parts of the story. Aren't you special now?  
  
So sit back, brush up on your sarcasm and read away.  
  
"Are you adequately prepared to rock?" Principal Skinner on The Simpsons  
  
God, I hope so.  
  
  
  
Ay Carumba!  
  
Ch 1 Nursery Rhymes, Jellybeans, and Legolas on the scent.  
  
A/N Wanda once wrote a play about Elijah Wood getting totally drunk off his ass on his 21st birthday. Thus you'll notice that Frodo has quite a liking for beer-flavored things.  
  
Ok it starts off really randomly but it gets good, bear with us.  
  
(Hobbits and elf hopping through the Shire.)  
  
Pippin: Merry had a little lamb…  
  
Merry: Whose fleece was white as show!  
  
Frodo: Merry, Merry quite contrary…  
  
Legolas: How does your garden grow?  
  
Merry: Sam tends it.  
  
Sam: Yup! (grins proudly) No… wait… I tend Mr. Frodo's garden.  
  
Merry: Well, ya should be tending mine!  
  
Sam: Why?  
  
Merry: So my little lamb will have a place to live.  
  
Pippin: Jellybeans!  
  
Legolas: What?  
  
Pippin: Jellybeans!  
  
(everyone looks at him like he's crazy)  
  
Pippin: (pouts) I like jellybeans.  
  
Frodo: Merry can grow some in his garden. Mmm…. Beer-flavored jellybeans…  
  
(Legolas slowly slides away from crazy hobbits.)  
  
Merry: Hey Legolas where ya going?  
  
Our chapters are short (most of them). I'm putting 2 up today also. So… please review and you'll get 3 & 4. Thanks for reading. See ya real soon.  
  
~*The Potions Mistress*~ and Wanda 


	2. The Madness Begins

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
A/N Wanda and I had to do a literary newspaper for the literary fair. A Lit newspaper is when you take a book and basically report on the events of the book like articles. So we did a combo of LOTR and HP. We said that the papers got magically combined in the press room when Merry tripped over Hermione's stack of papers. So that's what she's talking about, ok.  
  
Oh and one more thing. Our characters are kind of OOC. Sorry bout that, just got a little carried away.  
  
Ch 2- The Madness Begins  
  
Legolas: I thought I saw something move behind that bush.  
  
Pippin: What? Where? Ahh Orcs! We're gonna die!  
  
Legolas: Shut-up, fool of a Took, they're not Orcs or we'd have smelt them by now.  
  
(Legolas creeps slowly to bush and pulls it aside. Behind it are 4 girls. The girls are shocked and scream.)  
  
Sam: Ahhhh! Master Frodo, get Sting! Get Sting!  
  
Legolas: You people are retarded. It's a bunch of girls.  
  
(The 4 girls stand up. One is oriental looking with black hair, one has red hair, one has bushy brown hair, one has brown hair with purpley-blue eyes.)  
  
Bushy Brown Haired Girl: Where are we? (looks up at Legolas) Who are you? And why are you so tall?  
  
Legolas: I'm Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood. And who might you be?  
  
Bushy Brown Haired Girl: My name's Hermione Granger of… Hogwarts. These are my friends Lavender Brown, Ginny Weasley, and Cho Chang.  
  
Cho: Where are we?  
  
Frodo: You're in the Shire. Hobbiton.  
  
(the girls gasp)  
  
Lavender: Oh my, like, God. What in the world are you? Like a midget or something?  
  
Frodo: (indignantly) I am a hobbit thankyouverymuch!  
  
Merry: Yeah, like you've never seen a hobbit before.  
  
Hermione: Hey! You! I know you.  
  
Merry: Oh yeah. It's you, the idiot girl who ruined my newspaper.  
  
Hermione: Excuse me. I ruined YOUR newspaper? At least I didn't trip like and idiot over a 2 foot tall stack of paper!  
  
Legolas: Both of you guys chill. It's not like anyone got hurt or anything.  
  
You like so far? Good. Review. NOW. 3 & 4 coming as soon as I realize that enough people care about this. Cheerio, now. Pip, pip… 


	3. Fun With Every Flavor Beans

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Thanks to all that have reviewed so far!  
  
Notes to reviewers:  
  
Hermione: Ron and Harry come in later. Just wait and see  
  
Amber: Our chapters are gonna be kinda short because we do this in school and we only have so much time when the teacher isn't watching or actually gives free time. My chapters (the even ones) are a little longer than Wanda's simply cuz I'm long winded and once I start writing, I can't shut up.  
  
There are really no more inside jokes in this story, so just know those two.  
  
  
  
Ch 3- Fun With Every Flavor Beans  
  
Merry: No one got hurt? Just look at my beautiful hobbit feet!  
  
(Everyone looks and sees paper cuts all over Merry's feet.)  
  
Hermione: (rolls eyes) Yeah and that's supposed to be MY fault. You'd think he'd be looking UP at a 2 foot-tall stack of paper.  
  
Merry: Why you insolent little… (leaps at her)  
  
Legolas: (grabs Merry mid leap) In the name of Elbereth and Gilthoniel, relax! She's a kid and even though she's a foot and a half taller, she's about 30 years younger than you.  
  
Pippin: Jellybeans!  
  
Cho: Jellybeans? I have every flavor beans. Want some?  
  
Pippin: Are they like jellybeans?  
  
Hermione: Yes.  
  
Pippin: Then I would love some! (Cho gives the bag to Pippin who chooses a grey one. He chews it.) Mushroom!  
  
Frodo: Let me try. (grabs a yellow one) Beer flavored! Yes!  
  
Merry: Got any grass flavored ones for my lamb? Oh wait… she (points to Herm) might give Lambkins a NEWSpaper flavored one and kill her.  
  
Herm: (angrily) Why you stupid house-elf… Wait, I'm insulting house-elves by relating you to them. 


	4. Rallying for SPEW and Mysterious Disappe...

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 4- Rallying for SPEW and mysterious disappearances.  
  
Frodo: He's a hobbit, not an elf thankyouverymuch. Get it right!  
  
Herm: Well he looks like a house-elf.  
  
Legolas: I'm an elf.  
  
(All 4 girls stare in disbelief.)  
  
Lavender: UhUh. YOU are a house servant?  
  
Legolas: No.  
  
Cho: But you said you were an elf.  
  
Legolas: I am.  
  
(All 4 girls stare at each other dumbfounded.)  
  
Legolas: Do elves look different in your world?  
  
Herm: I'd say. First of all, they're shorter than idiot-boy over there and they don't really have hair.  
  
Lavender: And they have really big eyes.  
  
Cho: And they're house servants. And when they disobey their masters, they usually punish themselves by beating their heads against a wall or table.  
  
Legolas: Elves? As house servants? Preposterous!  
  
Cho: It's really not. They don't look anything like you.  
  
Lavender: I wish they did.  
  
Herm: The way people treat them is horrible. They wear pillowcases as clothes and tea cozys for hats. They do all the housework and can only be set free if their master gives them real clothing.  
  
Legolas: This is an outrage!  
  
Herm: You're telling me. During school last year, I tried to rally for house-elf rights, but get this, they don't want to be free. Some of them even LIKE doing all the work.  
  
Legolas: What's wrong with them? You mean to say that my species has… de- evolved?  
  
Herm: I guess so. I'm really sorry to see that. If the rest of your race is as intelligent as you then I'm sad we lost you.  
  
Pippin: Speaking of loosing people, where's Frodo?  
  
Sam: Ah, Mr. Frodo. Oh no!  
  
Lavender: Hey! Ginny's missing too.  
  
Herm: Oh crap! Ron'll kill me if I loose his little sister in another dimension!  
  
That's all for now kids.  
  
Thank you for reading. Now just do me one more favor before you go, and review. I would like it oh so much. I need encouragement. 


	5. Welcome Back.

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. You guys rule!  
  
Notes to reviewers:  
  
Rabbit: You naughty rabbit! Thinking bad things about my Ginny and Frodo. LOL.  
  
Tsuki Tatsu: Thanks. We aim to please. And there will be a point to this story eventually. No joke, really. :o)  
  
  
  
Ch-5 Welcome Back  
  
(A few minutes later, Frodo walks out of his hobbit hole carrying a tray)  
  
Frodo: Beer-flavored jello anyone?  
  
(All Hogwarts students look at him like he's from Mars. All LOTR members accept the offer but Legolas.)  
  
Legolas: No thanks. I'm not into getting drunk like you are. I'd rather look for the little fire-headed child.  
  
Herm: Oh my God. Where could she be?  
  
Merry: You shouldn't have lost her you orc!  
  
Herm: What did you call me? You probably ate her and washed her down with that jello.  
  
Merry: We're hobbits, not cannibals.  
  
Sam: Where's Legolas?  
  
(Everyone turns around, Legolas is no where to be seen.)  
  
Frodo: He went that way. (Points towards woods)  
  
(Legolas returns carrying a terrified Ginny.)  
  
Herm: Ginny!!! Where were you? (Runs over to Ginny who has collapsed on the floor)  
  
Next chapter's long. And we finally get somewhere in the plot. (Sort of) 


	6. Enter the Old Guys.

Disclaimer: Same are before  
  
Ch 6- Enter the Old Guys  
  
Frodo: Sam, run and fetch me some water, quick.  
  
Sam: Of course Master Frodo (he runs into the house)  
  
Lavender: Oh my God, Oh my God!  
  
Herm: Gin? Speak to me. (shakes her) Please say something. Oh my God!  
  
Ginny: Two…guys…in…cart…almost….ran…over…me…  
  
Cho: Why did you go wandering?  
  
Ginny: Just…curious…  
  
Legolas: I found her lying in the road knocked out. I ran down the road a few yards or so but I couldn't see the man who did it.  
  
Lavender: Oh but you'll find him, won't you Legolas? (grips his arm dramatically)  
  
Legolas: Uh, yeah, I guess.  
  
Lavender: Oh Legolas!  
  
Merry: (rolls eyes) Another one bites the dust.  
  
Sam: Here's the water. (gives to Frodo.)  
  
Frodo: Thanks. Here Ginny. (He leans down, puts cup to her lips and pours water into her mouth.)  
  
Ginny: Thank…you…  
  
Frodo: Just rest. (pats her red curls)  
  
(Ginny closes her eyes.)  
  
Frodo: (stands up) She'll be fine in a little while. I'm going to put this back in the house. (Leaves for house)  
  
Cho: Well, I'm just glad we didn't loose her.  
  
Herm: Me too. Ron would have turned me into a frog or something. Or at least tried to.  
  
Pippin: Hey, what's that sound?  
  
Merry: It's a cart! The bastards are back!  
  
(Legolas pulls out his bow and arrow and aims it at the open clearing. Cart comes into clearing. Two guys are sitting in the cart. Legolas lowers bow.)  
  
Legolas: Gandalf, you are an idiot.  
  
Herm: Headmaster Dumbledore?  
  
Gandalf: Look you elf, don't you call me an idiot! What has gotten into you?  
  
Dumbledore: Miss Granger? Miss Brown? Miss Chang? What are you doing here?  
  
Herm: We were playing around with the Mirror of Erised and then all of a sudden we were here.  
  
Dumbledore: Haven't I told you kids not to play around with things?  
  
Cho: We know. We're sorry Headmaster.  
  
Dumbledore: You kids should not be here. These are dangerous times. I've come to visit Gandalf to discuss important issues and now I have to watch you kids… Oh dear, what happened to Miss Weasley?  
  
Merry: Heh, about that…  
  
Herm: SOMEBODY in a CART almost RAN HER OVER!!  
  
Gandalf: (looks at Dumbledore) I TOLD you I heard something.  
  
Dumbledore: Oh my gosh, I feel terrible. My eyesight is not nearly as good as it used to be.  
  
Frodo: (coming from house) Gandalf! (pulls out pocket watch) You're late!  
  
Gandalf: A wizard is neither early nor late. He arrives precisely when he means to!  
  
(Both look at each other and start cracking up.)  
  
Frodo: Oh Gandalf, I've missed you. (He jumps into the air, arms outstretched, but before he reaches Gandalf, someone jumps in front of him and tackles him to the ground.)  
  
Lady: Frodo. I love you!  
  
Frodo: Ahhhh! Oh my God! Noooooo! Get off me fangirl!  
  
Herm: (gasps) Oh my God! Professor Trelawney? What are you doing here?  
  
Hehe, you guys like so far? Please be kind and review.  
  
And if you've read the other reviews, you'd know that Wanda and I are holding the first ever contest in any of my fics. The question: Who are Wanda and The Potions Mistress's favorite characters respectively. Hint: It is not the same character, and they are both from LOTR. We have fave characters from HP too, well ask that later. (Gee, mine should be really difficult.)  
  
The prize? A smilie! (Like I said, I'm mad poor.) Good luck. Happy reading. And may the force be with you. Yeah.. 


	7. Mass Chaos Ensues, part 1

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Thanks to all readers and reviewers!  
  
Ch 7 Mass Chaos Ensues, part 1  
  
Frodo: Somebody get her off of me!  
  
Trelawney: (stroking Frodo's head and hair) Aww… mommy'll take good care of you just as the fates have informed her. (plants big kiss on his forehead and squeezes him tighter.)  
  
(Frodo's eyes begin to bug and he turns blue.)  
  
Dumbledore: Professor Trelawney, kindly let go of this young hobbit.  
  
(Trelawney is humming and Frodo starts to go limp. Everyone present wrenches him from Trelawney's grip and Frodo's half dead body is lain next to Ginny's recuperating self.)  
  
Sam: (kneels by Frodo) Master Frodo! (gasps Frodo's hand and pours water on his face)  
  
Ginny: (wakes completely up) No! You'll drown him!  
  
Sam: I think I know how to take care of my best friend and master, thank you. (Glares at Ginny)  
  
Lavender: (grabs Legolas's arm) Oh save him! Save him!  
  
Legolas: Let go!  
  
Lavender: (jumps on his back) Save him, my hero!  
  
Legolas: (trying to unseat her) Get off of me!  
  
(Merry and Herm are arguing, Sam and Ginny are arguing, Legolas and Lavender are arguing. Cho, Dumbledore, and Gandalf watch.)  
  
Gandalf: Stop it!  
  
(No one listerns.)  
  
Dumbledore: (waves wand) SILENCIO!  
  
(Instantly the sound is taken away and everyone is yelling with no sound coming out)  
  
Dumbledore: Well, I rather like this. (Smiles) If only I could use it as punishment at Hogwarts.  
  
Gandalf: Yes, well, I suppose we'd better let them shut-up on their own.  
  
Cho: Yeah.  
  
Gandalf: Hush child.  
  
(The spell is removed and everyone is frozen in their tracks watching the wizards. The only movement is Legolas throwing a dumbfounded Lavender off of his back.)  
  
Dumbledore: Now Frodo, get up.  
  
Frodo: (stumbles to his feet) Is the giant dragonfly lady gone?  
  
Gandalf: No, she's still here. (Gestures with disgust at Trelawney being restrained by a binding spell.)  
  
Trelawney: Frodo, Frodo, my love, I'll get you my pretty. It's fate that we be together!  
  
(Frodo shudders. A yell comes from behind the bushes.)  
  
Pippin: What's that?  
  
Merry: I dunno.  
  
Legolas: (Walks towards bushes again) Let's find out. 


	8. The Plot Thickens Considerably

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch-8 The Plot Thickens Considerably  
  
Lavender: Legolas, be careful!  
  
Legolas: Shut-up!  
  
Cho: Lav, you're starting to irk me. Give it a rest.  
  
Lavender: Aww, but Cho, look at him. He's gorgeous.  
  
Cho: I know, but he's 2000 years old and you're 15.  
  
Lavender: But he doesn't LOOK 2000 years old. And everyone says I look older than 15. We could hook up.  
  
Cho: Oh my God, Lav, you are pathetic. You live in ENGLAND he lives in …. HERE. He is an ELF you are a HUMAN. You need to come to terms with the fact that you stand no chance with him.  
  
(Legolas steps out from behind bush staggering slightly, rubs his eyes, and stares at crowd, then runs up to Cho and throws his arms around her.)  
  
Legolas: Oh Cho, do not hide your feelings for me any longer because I can't hide mine for you.  
  
Lavender: (gasps) Cho! You bitch! (Runs in other direction)  
  
Cho: No! Lavender, I don't love him. Wait! Come back. Get off me elf- boy!  
  
Legolas: Let her go. We need to be with each other.  
  
Cho: No, we really don't. I just lost my boyfriend and I need some time ok.  
  
Legolas: But Cho, I need you now!  
  
Herm: Woah, Legolas why did you just pull a Trelawney?  
  
Legolas: A what?  
  
Herm: Well you went behind that bush and then came out loving Cho.  
  
Legolas: I always loved Cho.  
  
Merry: Yeah. Ok.  
  
Ginny: What is wrong with everybody?  
  
Mysterious Evil Voice: I think I can answer that.  
  
(Out from behind a bush comes Snape with Draco. AC/DC's "Back in Black" plays from some unknown radio in the sky.)  
  
Herm: Oh God no.  
  
Dumbledore: Well, welcome Severus. I see you and Mr. Malfoy made it.  
  
Draco: It was a bumpy ride and my hair got messed. Stupid floo powder.  
  
Snape: We are clearly both in one piece, Draco. Hello Headmaster, Gandalf… (looks in disgust at hobbits) and… little… things…  
  
Sam: Yo! Just cause we're short doesn't mean we aren't tough ok? We're people too!… Ok maybe we aren't but our opinions count for something!  
  
Snape: Right. Good to see all of you by the way and… what on earth is Sybill doing?  
  
(Trelawney is on the ground twitching.)  
  
Trewlawney: Frodo, Frodo,… I saw you in my tea leaves.  
  
Snape: (sighs) Is she having a "divine vision" again?  
  
Dumbledore: No. She's just for some reason in love with this young hobbit.  
  
Snape: I'm sorry.  
  
Frodo: Eh, it's ok. Guess there's nothing I can do about it.  
  
Snape: Do the kids know about the mission?  
  
Gandalf: The kids shouldn't even be here!  
  
Dumbledore: Well these are and we can't send them back yet. So we'll have to take them to Rivendell with us.  
  
Legolas: Rivendell? But why?  
  
Gandalf: You'll see. Aragorn and Elrond will explain everything.  
  
Pippin: Yay! Yay! We're going to see the elves again!  
  
Draco: Elves? What would we want to see some stupid elves for? So they can make us breakfast?  
  
Herm: I'll explain on the way.  
  
Legolas: I can't wait till I introduce Elrond to my new girlfriend.  
  
Cho: I'm not your girlfriend.  
  
Legolas: Of course you are. (kisses her on forehead.)  
  
Cho: I…I…Oh.  
  
Dumbledore: C'mon, everyone in the cart.  
  
(Cho, Lavender, Herm, Ginny, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Trelawney (bound), Legolas, Draco, and Snape all leap into the cart.)  
  
Merry: Ow! Get off me! This cart isn't big enough.  
  
Herm: Get your nasty hobbit foot out of my face!  
  
Merry: Where would you like me to put it? Up your ass?  
  
Herm: Why you little… (grabs him)  
  
Ginny: The both of you stop, if you two fight you'll hurt all of us. Just deal. It can't be too far to this Rivendell.  
  
Gandalf: It's about 3 days I'd say.  
  
All: 3 DAYS!!  
  
Frodo: We're gonna die in this cart while you two sit pretty at the helm.  
  
Dumbledore: You won't die.  
  
Snape: What about Minerva?  
  
Dumbledore: We rendezvous with Professor McGonagall and Messers. Weasley and Potter at Rivendell.  
  
Herm: Harry and Ron! Yes!  
  
Gandalf: All right then, let's shove off. (Sets the horses going.)  
  
See there is a plot. I wouldn't lie to you people. 


	9. On the Road to Rivendell

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing this.  
  
Notes to Reviewers:  
  
Primera Poupre: Unfortunately, we're pretty much done actually writing the story and we didn't put Fred and George in it, BUT, we are writing a sequel that will take place at Hogwarts so F & G will most definitely in on the action.  
  
Ch 9- On the Road to Rivendell  
  
(Cart is rumbling down the road. Legolas puts his arm around Cho.)  
  
Cho: (smacks arm) Get off!  
  
Lavender: Yeah, you don't want her, she's a back-stabber.  
  
Cho: Lav… I…  
  
Lavender: Save it, Miss Priss!  
  
(Cho looks down with tears in her eyes. Legolas puts his arm around her.)  
  
Trelawney: My little halfling… come to me! (wiggles around.)  
  
Snape: Somebody muzzle her!  
  
Gandalf: Gladly. (duct tape is now on her mouth muffling her words)  
  
Trelawney: Mrff…mfsf…murf!  
  
Sam: Now she'll finally let my master alone.  
  
Pippin: Hopefully… (looks at Trelawney who is squirming towards Frodo.)  
  
Ginny: Yes, but…  
  
Pippin: But what?  
  
Ginny: (blushes) Never mind. (Scoots over next to Hermione.)  
  
Herm: (in Ginny's ear) You like a hobbit?  
  
Ginny: (blushes) No…  
  
Herm: Which one?  
  
Pippin: Her red-haired girl, you have any jellybeans?  
  
Ginny: No, but I can find some for you! (gets ready to jump out of cart to find some)  
  
Pippin: (grabs her and she falls back on him) Are you crazy? Don't jump out.  
  
Gandalf: What's all that cursed racket back there?  
  
Pippin: Sorry!  
  
Ginny: I just wanted to get you jellybeans.  
  
Pippin: (looks at Ginny like she's insane) There aren't any over the side of the wagon.  
  
(Ginny blushes and scoots away.)  
  
Merry: Pippin and Ginny, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N- OW! (Pippin and Herm both shove Merry hard.)  
  
Dumbledore: If you don't stop NOW!  
  
Snape: Then I'll have the pleasure of dealing with you. (grins evily)  
  
Merry: And?  
  
Snape: (eyes glinting) You really don't want me to answer that question.  
  
Merry: You're in our land now and if you think you can just waltz in here and take over you have another thing coming!  
  
Herm: (shoves Merry and mutters) Shut up! You have no idea what he's capable of.  
  
Merry: If you don't buzz off…  
  
Legolas: Would you two PLEASE stop?  
  
Sam: Yes, please do! (scowls)  
  
(There is a loud thump from outside the cart. Lavender looks over the side and gasps.) 


	10. Good Riddance to Old Rubbish

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 10- Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish  
  
Lavender: Ohmiagod! Professor Trelawney!  
  
(Trelawney is lying in the road still twitching.)  
  
Lavender: We have to go back for her.  
  
Gandalf: There's no time.  
  
Draco: And besides, now there's more room in the cart.  
  
Lavender: How can you people be that heartless?  
  
Snape: Fine, we'll take a vote. All those in favor of going back for Trelawney raise your hand.  
  
(Lavender's is the only hand that goes up.)  
  
Lavender: Hermione? Cho? Ginny? 'Cmon! Headmaster?  
  
Dumbledore: I never did like Sybill that much.  
  
Snape: So it's settled then, we stay.  
  
Lavender: Nooo. (Sniffles) She's my favorite teacher.  
  
Snape: (laughs) You Gryffindors really are stupid.  
  
Lavender: I hate this place. I hope it burns.  
  
Legolas: Just cause you're not having fun…  
  
Lavender: You shut up, ok. Why don't you go make out with Cho?  
  
Legolas: (shrugs) Ok. (starts sucking Cho's face. Cho doesn't seem to mind.)  
  
(Lavender bursts into tears.)  
  
Pippin: (To Ginny) Little red-haired girl, do you like me?  
  
Ginny: My name's Ginny, by the way, and well… I think all 4 of you are cute.  
  
Hobbits: US?  
  
Merry: A big person that likes hobbits?  
  
Ginny: (blushes) Yeah, you guys are so little and sweet and you sing songs and stuff. That's cute.  
  
Sam: Aww. She likes us.  
  
Pippin: But which one do you like the most?  
  
Ginny: I don't know (smiles).  
  
Herm: I can't believe you like a hobbit.  
  
Frodo: Which one? Which one?  
  
Pippin: It's me. Girls can't resist Tooks.  
  
Frodo: No it's not.  
  
Pippin: What? She almost jumped out of the cart to get me jellybeans.  
  
Frodo: So what?  
  
Pippin: Why do you care, Frodo?  
  
Frodo: Well… I…  
  
Merry: Uh huh, ok, SOMEBODY likes the big person.  
  
Frodo: I do not. Please. (rolls eyes)  
  
(The cart comes to a stop.)  
  
Gandalf: Hogwarts folk, welcome to Rivendell.  
  
Merry: It's been 3 days already?  
  
Dumbledore: We drove fast.  
  
(everyone hops out of cart)  
  
Harry: Hey guys!  
  
Herm: Harry! Where's Ron?  
  
Ron: Right here.  
  
(Herm hugs Ron and kisses him on the cheek.)  
  
Herm: I missed you.  
  
Ron: Me too.  
  
Merry: Excuse me while I puke.  
  
Herm: Oh yeah, Ron, this is the stupid hobbit that ruined the newspaper.  
  
Ron: Hey, nice to meet you.  
  
(Herm glares at him.)  
  
Ron: Um, I mean, Ew, I hate you, I hope you die.  
  
Herm: Better.  
  
Harry: Hey Cho.  
  
Cho: Oh hi Harry. Meet Legolas.  
  
Legolas: Hi. (kisses Cho)  
  
Harry: Le…Legolas?  
  
Legolas: Yeah. Her boyfriend.  
  
Harry: Boyfriend? What happened to Cedric?  
  
Cho: Harry, he died. I need to move on.  
  
Harry: But…but…with him? What is he anyway?  
  
Cho: A really hot elf.  
  
Harry: A WHAT?  
  
Merry: Oh here we go again…  
  
Gandalf: Quiet, Elrond is coming.  
  
Now review my children. Reviews=more story. And if you want to read something serious that I've written, check out my story "Fool" or my poem "21". Thanks y'all. 


	11. The Elf-man Cometh

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Thanks to everyone that likes this story.  
  
Galadriel: You are the winner as well as the only person who entered in the contest. Congrats. Here's your smilie :oP Now, who's fav character is who. Oh, and don't worry lady of the wood, Mr. DeMille is almost ready for your closeup.  
  
Ch 11- The Elf-man Cometh.  
  
Elrond: (removes sunglasses) I have arrived.  
  
(Arwen walks up behind him.)  
  
Arwen: Father, you can loose the act now.  
  
Elrond: I know, I just had to make an impressive entrance.  
  
Pippin: Wow… he's changed sice last time.  
  
Frodo: Yeah.  
  
(An elf walks up rolling something on the ground.)  
  
Elf: I found THIS in the woods.  
  
Trelawney: mft… mmMMMRRF!  
  
Elrond: Let's hear what she has to say.  
  
(Elf removes tape.)  
  
Trelawney: OWWWWW! (looks at Frodo) Besame tanto! *A/N see bottom for English translation  
  
Frodo: What's she saying?  
  
Snape: Oh God, she's speaking in tongues.  
  
Frodo: What?  
  
Trelawney: Tu enciendas my fuego, quenda nino! *  
  
(Ginny is laughing so hard she's crying.)  
  
Dumbledore: Ok, she's fired.  
  
Gandalf: Get her out of here.  
  
(Elf hauls a screaming Trelawney away.)  
  
*#1 "Kiss me, you fool!"  
  
*#2 "You light my fire, honey child!" 


	12. Elrond's Eleven

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 12- Elrond's Eleven  
  
Elrond: Anyway, I'd like to welcome you all to Rivendell.  
  
Legolas: Woohoo! Hey Elrond, meet my girlfriend Cho.  
  
Elrond: Oh… why hello there…  
  
Cho: Hi.  
  
(Elrond stares at Cho. Harry snaps him back to attention.)  
  
Elrond: Oh. Right. Allow me to introduce my accomplices: from Gondor, Aragorn, son of Arathorn.  
  
Aragorn: Hi everyone.  
  
Elrond: From Moria, Gimli the dwarf.  
  
Gimli: Hello.  
  
Elrond: From Rivendell, my daughter Arwen.  
  
Arwen: Hi all.  
  
Elrond: Back from the dead, Boromir.  
  
Boromir: I'm baaaaaack!  
  
Merry: Oh my God! How?  
  
Elrond: Magic, ok. From Hogwarts, 5th year student and savior of the wizarding world, Harry Potter.  
  
Herm: Yay Harry!  
  
Elrond: From Hogwarts, 5th year student and quidditch extraodinaire, Ron Weasley.  
  
Herm: I love you Ron.  
  
Elrond: From Hogwarts, transfiguration professor Minerva McGonagall.  
  
Minerva: Good afternoon.  
  
Elrond: From Hogwarts, Headmaster and Order of Merlin member, Albus Dumbledore.  
  
(Dumbledore waves.)  
  
Elrond: And from…uh… somewhere, Gandalf the Grey.  
  
(Gandalf raises his staff.)  
  
Elrond: Along with myself and Galadriel of Lothlorien who refuses to leave the woods, we are Elrond's Eleven.  
  
(Everyone claps.)  
  
Elrond: Aragorn will explain our mission.  
  
Aragorn: Right. Our spies in the land or Mordor have reported a sighting of a man who looks very snakelike with red eyes paling around with Saraumon. From reports confirmed by Albus, we have deemed him to be indeed Lord Voldemort.  
  
Lavender and Cho: Ahh, don't say the name!!  
  
Aragorn: Anyways, it seems as though Voldemort had teamed up with Saraumon and created a factory of some kind, producing God know's what and probably endangering the lives of many. Arwen will now present her findings on the factory.  
  
(Arwen steps forward and holds up a sock.)  
  
Merry: A sock?  
  
Arwen: Yes. It came flying out of the building. We assume it belongs to a warrior or something.  
  
Boromir: We are organizing a mission to Mordor to take this place out.  
  
Legolas: Count me in!  
  
Frodo: Me too!  
  
Harry: Me three!  
  
Gimli: Woah, woah all of you can't go.  
  
Minerva: If we have too many people we'll kill the element of surprise.  
  
Sam: Damn!  
  
Minerva: So Elrond will be picking who's going. Elrond… Elrond?  
  
(Elrond is snoring in chair.)  
  
Gimli: WAKE UP YOU STUPID ELF!  
  
Elrond: (jumps) Ahh. It's time to die, Mr. Anderson!  
  
Pippin: What?  
  
Elrond: Oh sorry, wrong movie.  
  
Ron: You have to pick who's going on the mission.  
  
Elrond: Oh right. Legolas, you're in.  
  
Legolas: Yes! Hear that Cho? I get to go! Hey where's Cho?  
  
Harry: Oh no!  
  
Gimli: Quit your bellyaching, she's right there.  
  
(Cho emerges from clearing. She stares blankly, rubs her eyes then runs up to Elrond and jumps on his lap.)  
  
Cho: Oh love me you big hunk of elf you!  
  
Legolas: What? Cho! You can't love Elrond, he's 5000 years old!  
  
Cho: I don't care.  
  
Elrond: And neither do I! Woohoo! It's been 2000 years since I had a woman. Do you know what that does to an elf?  
  
Ginny: This is insane.  
  
Legolas: You let go of my woman now or I'll fight you for her!  
  
Getting crazy? Liking it? Review. The review button is your friend. 


	13. Wanna be starting somethin?

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch-13 Wanna be starting somethin'?  
  
Elrond: Ha! You're only a child.  
  
Legolas: But I'm the best shot around. (Hands move towards bow.)  
  
Elrond: Do you love Legolas, Cho, dear?  
  
Cho: I never did. He loved me though.  
  
Legolas: Cho? (Looks hurt.)  
  
Cho: Elrond! (Kisses him)  
  
Arwen: This is gross. (Pulls Cho off Elrond) We need to figure out what to do.  
  
Elrond: Ah yes. (Turns to Cho) Later my little tigerlily. Now, the group to take action will consist of Legolas, Aragorn…  
  
Sorry for the really short chapter here but I had to cut half of it because my dear Wanda gave away too much too soon. The next chapter is a little longer. 


	14. In This Corner...

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch-14 In This Corner…  
  
Elrond: …Frodo, Harry, Gandalf, Dumbledore, Hermione, Arwen, and Gimli.  
  
Boromir: Hey, that's not fair!  
  
Pippin: Yeah!  
  
Ginny: Yeah!  
  
Elrond: Boromir, you're a ghost, what are you going to do? And for the rest of you that can't seem to be apart for two seconds, you can go, but only those 9 will infiltrate the "sock factory".  
  
Gimli: The fellowship of the sock.  
  
Arwen: (Holds up sock) With female representation.  
  
Herm: Oh yeah. (She and Arwen slap hands)  
  
Legolas: Alright let's do this. Are you coming Cho?  
  
Cho: No, I must stay with Elrond.  
  
Legolas: Cho, if you come…  
  
Elrond: She stays, blondie.  
  
Legolas: You wanna start somethin'?  
  
Elrond: Yeah, let's go.  
  
(Legolas whips out his bow but Elrond is already on top of him punching him in the face. Legolas flips Elrond off of him.)  
  
Legolas: I'm gonna put an arrow through your eye!  
  
Elrond: Oh yeah? (He grabs the arrow and breaks it in half)  
  
Legolas: Why you little….  
  
Ginny: Stop it please. I hate fighting. She's not worth it.  
  
Harry: Yes she is.  
  
(Elrond and Legolas stop fighting and stare at Harry)  
  
Legolas: You want her too?  
  
Harry: I, well, I've liked her for almost a year.  
  
Cho: Really?  
  
Harry: Yeah.  
  
Elrond: (after a moment of silence) Too bad, she's mine.  
  
Legolas: She's mine! (The two start fighting again.)  
  
Minerva: For Merlin's sake, let the girl decide.  
  
Cho: Elrond, my love.  
  
Elrond: Haha! She stays.  
  
Cho: I do.  
  
(Harry and Legolas sigh)  
  
Elrond: No go on everyone, get out of here. We need to be ~alone~.  
  
Cho: Ooh. You bad elf.  
  
Ginny: Are you coming Lav?  
  
Lavender: No. I don't feel good as it is. I'll stay and search for Trelawney, and try to heal her if I can.  
  
Dumbledore: Good deal. Are we going by cart?  
  
Gandalf: No, too obvious. We'll have to walk.  
  
Dumbledore: Who's staying?  
  
Minerva: Myself, Elrond, Miss Chang, Miss Brown, Boromir, and Mr. Weasley.  
  
Herm: No, Ron, you have to come.  
  
Ron: No, I need to stay and study for a Charm's test.  
  
Herm: Awww man.  
  
Snape: Draco and I will also be staying.  
  
Dumbledore: All right then.  
  
Gandalf: Where shall we go first Elrond? Elrond?  
  
Elrond: (tears himself away from kissing Cho) Oh, right. You guys meet Galadriel at Lothlorien and she will give you instructions form there.  
  
Pippin: Pretty elf lady!  
  
Dumbledore: Let's get going. 


	15. Wanda Adds Some Pointless Characters

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Galadriel Weasley: Glad you got a name here. You don't come in for another 3 chapters so just hang on tight there.  
  
Ch 15- Wanda Adds Some Pointless Characters  
  
(Suddenly out of the sky come 7 hippogriffs)  
  
Dumbledore: Ah here they are. Hagrid sent these over. Everybody double up.  
  
(A 8th hippogriff flies down.)  
  
Sirius: Wait up!  
  
Lupin: Yeah!  
  
Dumbledore: What are you guys doing here?  
  
Sirius: I couldn't let Harry face unknown dangers without me.  
  
Snape: Joy. They won't be joining you will they?  
  
Dumbledore: Sirius and Lupin will join us.  
  
(Meanwhile, the hobbits are talking.)  
  
Frodo: Hey Merry, you seem fond of Hermione.  
  
Merry: If you mean fond as in I want to rip her head off then yeah.  
  
Frodo: I heard she likes you.  
  
Merry: Gross! From who?  
  
Frodo: (turns red) Someone…  
  
(Scene switches to Ron, who's talking to Boromir and Gimli.)  
  
Ron: So what's it like to be dead?  
  
Boromir: I dunno. I'm always kinda lightheaded now. Dying was the fun part.  
  
Gimli: Yeah, he took at least 20 minutes to die from 3 arrows where as creatures with ONE arrow in them were dropping like flies.  
  
Boromir: Oh yeah, who's the man? (Does funky "yay for me" dance)  
  
Ron: You should meet Nearly Headless Nick. He's a ghost back home who… (suddenly feels cold) Wahoo! I'm alive again! I have big feet and weird hair but I have a body again!  
  
Gimli: Leave the kid alone Boromir.  
  
(Boromir comes out of Ron.)  
  
Boromir: Sorry, I was just having a little fun.  
  
Ron: Don't diss my feet or hair! At least I won't be over-dramatic when I die.  
  
(Suddenly everyone looks at Frodo and starts cracking up. A hippogriff is pecking Frodo's face. All laughter stops as Frodo falls unconscious on the ground.)  
  
(Ginny beats Sam to Frodo.)  
  
Ginny: Frodo! (Strokes his hair.)  
  
Sam: (scowls) Back off!  
  
Harry: Those hippogriffs can really get you good.  
  
Frodo: (sits up as he regains consiousness) Ohhh….  
  
Aragorn: Everyone back off! Gimpy needs some medicine.  
  
(He walks up with beer.)  
  
Sam: Here Master Frodo. Have some of this.  
  
Frodo: Yay beer! Suddenly I feel better. (falls asleep)  
  
Pippin: Will, I guess we'll just have to lug him around until her wakes up.  
  
Ginny: (Shyly) He can ride with me… 


	16. So Cute I'm Going to Puke

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch- 16 So Cute I'm Going to Puke.  
  
Dumbledore: If you wish, Miss Weasley.  
  
Herm: Gin, do you like him?  
  
Ginny: (grinning furiously) No…  
  
Ron: Oh my God, Gin, he's not even human! What would mum say?  
  
Gin: She probably wouldn't notice.  
  
Harry: Are you kidding? Mrs. Weasley has eyes like a hippogriff.  
  
Gandalf: Speaking of hippogriffs…  
  
Aragorn: Stop your pointless bantering. Let's get going.  
  
Dumbledore: Everyone on. We're leaving now.  
  
Elrond: Bye Legolas. Don't get hurt now.  
  
Legolas: Shove it up your ass.  
  
Elrond: Ooh. Witty. (kisses Cho)  
  
Legolas: Grrrr…  
  
Sirius: Everyone on your creature, we need to get moving.  
  
(Harry & Herm on one, Ginny & Frodo, Dumbledore & Gandalf, Sirius & Lupin, Arwen & Aragorn, Sam & Legolas, Pippin & Merry, Gimli)  
  
Gimli: Wow, I feel loved.  
  
Legolas: You should.  
  
(8 hippogriffs take off into the air.)  
  
Herm: Let's hope we don't get lost.  
  
Merry: I think Gandalf knows where he's going, ok?  
  
Herm: Shut-up, halfling.  
  
(Gin is stroking Frodo's hair while steering her hippogriff.)  
  
Frodo: (mumbles) Why are you stroking me?  
  
Ginny: Oh, I'm sorry.  
  
Frodo: No, it's ok. You can  
  
Ginny: Oh good. (continues stroking)  
  
Frodo: Have you gone crazy like Legolas and Cho?  
  
Ginny: I don't think so. If I was, wouldn't I be jumping on you and kissing you?  
  
Frodo: That's true. So then why are you stroking me?  
  
Ginny: I don't know.  
  
Frodo: Do you like me?  
  
Ginny: I don't know.  
  
Frodo: (said sweetly) You're not quite sure about anything are you?  
  
Ginny: No, I guess not.  
  
Frodo: We'll I'm sure about something?  
  
Ginny: What?  
  
Frodo: That I like you.  
  
Ginny: No way! Really?  
  
Frodo: Yeah. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I like you. I think you're cute.  
  
Ginny: Aww, Frodo, I think you're cute too. (hugs him)  
  
Frodo: That's great. Except I feel like such a pedophile.  
  
Ginny: How old are you? 15?  
  
Frodo: Try 50.  
  
Ginny: 50! I'm 13!  
  
Frodo: Yeah but hobbits don't age as fast. I suppose it's ok. I'd be about 21 if I were a human.  
  
Ginny: Well that's better.  
  
Frodo: Besides, you don't seem like you're 13… Do you think I'm too short for you?  
  
Ginny: No, not at all. (Reaches down and kisses him.)  
  
Sam: Oh my God, Master Frodo!  
  
Frodo: (Annoyed) What?  
  
Sam: You're kissing that human!  
  
Frodo: Oh my God, Sam. Get over it. (goes back to kissing her)  
  
(Ginny starts to lose control of hippogriff.)  
  
Gandalf: Hey you two! Stop making out and watch where you're going!  
  
Herm: Oh no! Gin!  
  
(Ginny and Frodo scream as their hippogriff veers into the forest below.)  
  
What horrors will Ginny and Frodo face in the forest? Will Legolas ever get over Cho? And when the hell does Galadriel come into this story? Find out next time on … AYE CARUMBA!! 


	17. Hallucinations

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Yeah, there might be some of you reading this. Thanks. Elise restored my faith in this story.  
  
Ch 17- Hallucinations  
  
(Frodo moans and rubs his head.)  
  
Ginny: Frodo! Oh my God, are you ok?  
  
Frodo: I dunno…. AHHHH!!  
  
Ginny: What is it?  
  
Frodo: AHHHH!! Get 'em off me!! (runs out of ditch they landed in)  
  
Ginny: (confused) Get what off of you? There's nothing on you.  
  
Frodo: The fangirls! They're choking me!  
  
Ginny: Help! I think he hit his head really hard. He's seeing things.  
  
Gandalf: Frodo! Stop it!  
  
Dumbledore: Calmio! (waves his wand)  
  
Frodo: Woah… what was that? I saw all these fangirls… and … and… my head hurts.  
  
Sam: Here, have some ale.  
  
(Legolas walks in muttering to himself.)  
  
Legolas: I honestly don't know what I saw in her anyway. (takes out flask and absently hands it to Frodo) Here, drink this. What came over me? I mean, I'd never seen her before in my life? What was the deal?  
  
Frodo: I don't know, but this stuff you gave me is good.  
  
Legolas: Thank you. It's my own recipe. It will take away your pain and leave you refreshed for hours. No, Sam, it's not ale. 


	18. Galadriel... finally

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 18- Galadriel… finally.  
  
Sam: But ale cures all.  
  
Frodo: Yeah.  
  
Legolas: No it doesn't. I told you, drinking is bad.  
  
Sam: Ok, Legolas.  
  
Gandalf: ARE WE LEAVING YET?  
  
Herm: Yeah you guys, gut on your freaking hippogriffs and let's go!  
  
Legolas: No, wait, I see something.  
  
Merry: (sighs) Legolas, that's what got us in trouble in the first place.  
  
Legolas: No, no. It isn't a person… (goes behind bush and come out holding…) It's a piece of black cloth.  
  
Gimli: Wow. Cloth. Legolas, you've made the discovery of the century.  
  
Merry: Who freaking cares about cloth? Put it down and let's go!  
  
Legolas: I'm keeping it. (puts it in pocket)  
  
Ginny: How did you see that?  
  
Legolas: Elves have good eyes.  
  
(Everyone gets on their hippogriffs and they fly. Practically years later…)  
  
Gandalf: Alright, everybody down.  
  
Herm: But this is the woods.  
  
Merry: What do you think Lothlorien is, brilliance?  
  
Herm: You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of…  
  
Dumbledore: Both of you. Get along or get out.  
  
Herm: But headmaster, he ruined the newspaper!  
  
Dumbledore: Miss Granger, it was just a newspaper. Be thankful that it wasn't you two got magically combined.  
  
(Merry shudders. The hippogriffs land in the forest. They are instantly surrounded by elves.)  
  
Aragorn: Official business of Elrond. (Hands note to an elf.)  
  
Elf: Follow me.  
  
(They follow.)  
  
Pippin: Yay for pretty Lady Galadriel!  
  
Frodo: She scares me.  
  
Pippin: Why?  
  
Frodo: You didn't have to look in her mirror.  
  
Pippin: What's so scary about a mirror?  
  
Frodo: Trust me.  
  
(They approach a building where a woman is coming down the stairs.)  
  
Harry: Is that her?  
  
Dumbledore: Yes. She's beautiful, isn't she?  
  
Harry: Uhh… if you say so headmaster.  
  
Galadriel: Hello, elf- friends.  
  
Dumbledore: Hello my dear Galadriel, so lovely to see you. (He kisses her hand.)  
  
Galadriel: You as well, Albus.  
  
Herm: Oh God, please don't tell me.  
  
Harry: Don't worry. I can't see Dumbledore dating out of his species.  
  
Galadriel: I'm pleased to see you all. There are so many of you. And I'm pleased to see you alive Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf: Alive and well ma'im.  
  
Galadriel: Excellent. I'm sure you all know the mission.  
  
Aragorn: All too well.  
  
Galadriel: All right then, there's really nothing I can tell you.  
  
Harry: But Elrond said…  
  
Galadriel: Yes he did, but come on, we can't have a fanfic without me. I have to be here to scare everyone. Besides, wouldn't you folks like a nice place to spend the night?  
  
Dumbledore: That would be lovely Galadriel and I thank you for your hospitality.  
  
Galadriel: The pleasure is all mine. There are tents off in the distance that way. (points left) Legolas with his impeccable sense of smell will sniff them out.  
  
Legolas: If you say so ma'im. (He begins to sniff the air, and goes left. The others follow.)  
  
Don't worry. We haven't seen the last of the Lady of the Wood yet. 


	19. Carrot Stalker

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Wow, we've got readers again! Woowoo!  
  
Notes to reviewers:  
  
Tsuki: The bushes are not enchanted. I cannot tell you anymore right now. They are off to destroy the sock factory in Mordor. This will all make sense in the end, I promise.  
  
Antinua: What racism? Do you mean the bickering between the species? I wouldn't necessarily call that racism. It's all quite good-naturedly. Lol. Cho the ho.  
  
Elwen and Lily: Glad you guys liked that tie in there. And Lily, I didn't know that about Gimli. I haven't finished reading the books yet.  
  
Ch 19 Carrot Stalker  
  
(Everyone is asleep in their tents when suddenly Herm awakens to the sound of heavy breathing in her and Ginny's tent.)  
  
Herm: What the…? (A hand is clapped over her mouth.) Mmmm! Gm! A!  
  
Hand: Shhh!  
  
Herm: (Surprised) Rm?  
  
(Hand let's go.)  
  
Herm: Ron! How…? What…? When…?  
  
Ron: You guys traveled fast enough! You know how hard it was running to keep up with you? I tried to flag you down but you kept going.  
  
Herm: So that's what that red thing was. Still, you're gonna be in sooo much trouble. You're not supposed to be here.  
  
Ron: And? I've broken rules before.  
  
Herm: But Ron, this isn't Hogwarts. You could be…  
  
Galadriel: Hello there, RULE BREAKER! COME HERE!  
  
(Grabs Ron and drags him out of the tent.)  
  
Ron: You can't kill me! I have a charms test!  
  
Galadriel: Oh, I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to do much worse. (calls to elf) Bring it out!  
  
Ron: NOOOOO!!  
  
(Much struggling and finally Ron emerges wearing a pink bunny suit with hearts on it.)  
  
Galadriel: You must wear this for the rest of the journey. You will be called Carrot Stalker. Good night.  
  
(She leaves a bewildered Ron behind) And besides, it looks gooooood on ya. 


	20. Vive Cuervo, baby!

Disclaimer: Same as before. I don't not own "I'm too sexy".  
  
And now the moment everyone has been waiting for: Legolas's drunken dance of merriment!  
  
Ch 20- Vive Cuervo, baby.  
  
(Frodo and Sam are lying in a tent awake. Muffled moan is heard outside.)  
  
Sam: What was that?  
  
Frodo: I don't know. Think we should go investigate?  
  
Sam: Absolutely not!  
  
Frodo: Of course we should.  
  
Sam: Nooo! But Master, it could be orcs or urak-hai, or the evil clowns.  
  
Frodo: The WHAT?  
  
Sam: I have weird dreams, ok.  
  
Frodo: Whatever. (Grabs Sting and jumps outside the tent.) Phew. It's just Legolas, Sam.  
  
Sam: Ok. (Steps out of tent.) Why the moan Legolas?  
  
(Legolas is sitting at a table with a glass bottle in his hand. He moans again and smacks his head against the table.)  
  
Frodo: Legolas? Are you ok? (They rush to him)  
  
Legolas: I'm such an idiot.  
  
Frodo: Why? What's wrong?  
  
Legolas: (sighs) I said I was over her… but I lied. What in the name of Elbereth is wrong with me? I like a girl- a human girl- over 1000 years younger than me. Why can't I shake this feeling?  
  
Frodo: Because you're in love?  
  
Legolas: Because I'm heartbroken!  
  
Frodo: You can't be heartbroken, you're still alive.  
  
Legolas: True.  
  
Sam: Hey Legolas, what are you drinking?  
  
Legolas: Oh… this? …Nothing…  
  
Sam: (grabs bottle) Jose Cuervo?  
  
Frodo: Legolas! You said drinking was bad!  
  
Legolas: (starts bawling) I know! (Snatches bottle) I did! I did! Just let me drown my sorrows ok? (takes swig)  
  
Frodo: Oh Legolas, come on man, you have to pull yourself together.  
  
Legolas: Easy for you to say, your girl likes you back. (takes swig) I mean, I don't know what's wrong with me. One minute I hardly know the girl, the next I can't live without her. I think I'm cracking up.  
  
Sam: Legolas, you are one of the strongest members of our crew. You can't go all jello guts on us.  
  
Frodo: Yeah, Sam's right.  
  
Legolas: Yeah, but, it's just (realizes that his tequila is empty) Pass me that bottle Sam.  
  
Sam: (picks up bottle) What this? No way, this is more tequila!  
  
Legolas: Pass me the goddamn bottle or you'll wake up with an arrow through your skull!  
  
Sam: Yes, sir. (Tosses bottle to Legolas.)  
  
Frodo: Sam! No, I can't let you drink that.  
  
Legolas: Frodo, just leave me be, ok? This is the only way I can get it out of my system.  
  
Frodo: (sighs) Fine, but please don't get too drunk, ok? You have to save some for me.  
  
Legolas: Heh. Ok.  
  
Frodo: 'Cmon Sam, let's go back inside.  
  
(They do and manage to fall asleep. They are awakened a few hours later to loud music blaring from outside.)  
  
Sam: What the heck?  
  
(Both hobbits jump up and run outside. 6 empty glass bottles litter the floor under the table. Legolas is on top of the table dancing and singing.)  
  
Legolas: I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts…  
  
Frodo: Legolas, you stupid elf!  
  
(Legolas is twirling around, shaking his ass and waving his hands in the air.)  
  
Aragorn: (coming out of tent) What in Middle-Earth is… Oh… my… God.  
  
Arwen: (after him) Oh Legolas…  
  
Gimli: (comes out of different tent) HAHAHAHA! Where's my camera when I need it?  
  
Merry: (emerges from different tent) You're making your race look bad Legolas.  
  
Legolas: I'm a model, you know what I mean? And I do my little turn on the catwalk.  
  
Harry: (emerges from different tent) HAHAHA! Damn, elf, get down with your bad self!  
  
Ron: Yeah. Shake what your mama gave you!  
  
Harry: Ron! What are you doing here? And why are you dressed like that?  
  
Ron: Long story.  
  
Ginny: It's not funny, you guys. Legolas is really drunk!  
  
(Legolas is gyrating his hips and thrusting his pelvis forward.)  
  
Legolas: On the catwalk. On the catwalk yeah. I shake my little tush on the catwalk.  
  
Dumbledore: (whips out wand) DORMIO!  
  
(Legolas freezes in spot, music stops abruptly. He falls off the table and he lands, snoring, with his arms and legs spread out on the ground.)  
  
Dumbledore: Sleeping spell. He'll be alright in the morning.  
  
Merry: With a really bad hangover.  
  
Herm: Aw, headmaster, that was the most exciting thing that's happened since we got here!  
  
Dumbledore: I don't know, Miss Granger. I'd call Mr. Weasley's pink bunny suit rather interesting. Tell me, what are you here, and why are you wearing it?  
  
Ron: Well, I studied as much as I could for Charms, and then decided to follow you. So after RUNNING after you for over a week, I get here and SHE (point to Galadriel) says I'm breaking the rules and that I need to wear this outfit for the rest of the trip.  
  
Galadriel: And he must be called Carrot Stalker.  
  
Dumbledore: If Lady Galadriel wills it, then it shall be done.  
  
Ron: What?! Headmaster, you are supposed to side with me! I'm your bloody student!  
  
Dumbledore: Now now Carrot Stalker…  
  
Ron: (turns red) I wanna go home. I miss Gryffindor, I miss quidditch, heck I'm even starting to miss mum a bit.  
  
Ginny: We all want to go home. We've only got to go a little farther and then we can all go home.  
  
Gandalf: With that settled, let's get some rest.  
  
(Everyone goes back into their tents, Arwen drags Legolas after her into hers.)  
  
*Next Morning*  
  
(Frodo wakes up and walks outside. Sam is cooking food by the fire. Pippin, Merry, Gimli, and Harry are sitting in a circle chatting.)  
  
Pippin: Good morning Frodo.  
  
Frodo: Morning guys. Has Legolas woken up yet?  
  
Merry: Well, he's still in the tent if that's what you mean.  
  
Gimli: Yeah, why do you think we're all sitting out here waiting?  
  
Sam: Breakfast is served.  
  
Pippin: Yay! Biscuits!  
  
Harry: Hey, Sam, these are good!  
  
Sam: Thank you very much.  
  
(Legolas emerges from tent.)  
  
Legolas: Good morning everyone.  
  
(Everyone stares and starts cracking up.)  
  
Legolas: What?  
  
Gimli: Well good morning Ricky Martin.  
  
Legolas: What?  
  
Frodo: Legolas, how much did you drink last night?  
  
Legolas: Oh, a few bottles of Jose Cuervo and then I feel asleep. But damn my head hurts.  
  
Harry: Are you sure you didn't do anything else?  
  
Legolas: I don't think I did.  
  
Merry: Are you SURE you're sure?  
  
Legolas: What'd I do?  
  
Frodo: You really can't remember?  
  
Legolas: No!  
  
Gimli: Does this ring a bell? "I'm a model, you know what I mean."?  
  
Legolas: I still don't get it. I wasn't that drunk.  
  
Frodo: Legolas, you drank 6 bottles of tequila.  
  
Gimli: And you got up on that table, sang "I'm Too Sexy" and shook your ass.  
  
Legolas: Oh… I… No I didn't!  
  
Merry: Yes you did, Legolas, ask anyone.  
  
Legolas: You mean I made a fool of myself?  
  
Harry: That's putting it lightly.  
  
Legolas: Damn! Damn that Jose Cuervo!  
  
Frodo: But tell me, do you still love Cho?  
  
Legolas; (pauses for a moment) You know, I don't think I do!  
  
Sam: All right Legolas!  
  
More psychotic fun on the way soon! 


	21. Mass Chaos Ensues- part 2

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Woowoo to everyone who loved "Carrot Stalker" and Legolas's drunken dance of merriment!  
  
Ch 21- Mass Chaos Ensues- Part 2  
  
(At breakfast, Sirius and Lupin make an announcement.)  
  
Sirius: Remus and I have something to say.  
  
Lupin: We well remain here in Lothlorien for awhile with the Lady's consent. She has promised to help me with my… transformations.  
  
Sirius: And we haven't said a word since Ch 15 anyway.  
  
Harry: But…but… we're gonna need your help!  
  
Sirius: With Dumbledore and Gandalf around, we'd be more of a hinderance.  
  
Harry: Well you better write me!  
  
Sirius: Will do.  
  
Gandalf: We must be off.  
  
(With a barrage of goodbyes, the smaller company takes flight again.)  
  
Arwen: Ahhh. Fresh air! (smiles) So Legolas, when did you become a model? I want to come to your first shoot.  
  
Legolas: (grumbles) I'm not a model and if you don't leave me alone, my first shoot will be aimed at you.  
  
(Arwen just laughs)  
  
(4 hours later, Frodo is snoring and almost falls off his hippogriff. Sam catches him and he wakes up.)  
  
Sam: Master Frodo you seem quite prone to almost fatal accidents.  
  
(Frodo is snoring again.)  
  
Sam: (rolls eyes) I think we need to land and relax for a while.  
  
Dumbledore: Yes, there's a clearing. Let's land there.  
  
(Put simply: they land and all hobbits [after a good meal] immediately fall asleep. Legolas refuses to eat or drink anything.)  
  
Gimli: We didn't spike it or anything!  
  
Legolas: (sarcastically) ha ha ha.  
  
(Harry and Ron had gone to get water and now came running back screaming.)  
  
Harry: Oh my God, help! Help!  
  
Ron: AHHHH! They're after us!  
  
(Everyone jumps up and readies their weapons. Ron and Harry hide cowering behind Aragorn. Suddenly a loud noise is heard.)  
  
Noise: OMGIT'SHARRYANDRON!OMGOMGOMG!WHYARETHEYHEREWHOCARESLET'SGETTHEM!!!  
  
Legolas: What the?  
  
(Suddenly the noise stops and a large group of girls with cameras, signs, pens and pencils stop in front of them.)  
  
Legolas: It's just a bunch of…  
  
Noise: OMGIT'STHEHOTTIELEGOLASANDFRODOANDMERRYANDPIPPINANDAHHHH!  
  
(They charge at the Fellowship.)  
  
Frodo: FANGIRLS! RUN!  
  
(Chaos… everybody running.)  
  
Merry: Help me! Ahh! Hobbit down! Hobbit down! (Fangirls begin shoving pads of paper and pencils at him and snapping pictures.)  
  
(Frodo and Pippin are back to back and being surrounded. Sam is trying to get to Frodo, but a particularly ugly, almost troll-like fangirl waylays him. Ginny, Harry, Hermione, and Ron are all stuck up a tree along with Gandalf whose staff is taken captive. Arwen and Aragorn are clinging to each other, but being torn apart and swept away by the herd of fangirls. Gimli's foot is stuck in a pothole and Legolas is tied to a tree and girls keep playing with his hair.)  
  
(As I said: chaos.)  
  
Fangirls: OMGGIMMIEANAUTOGRAPHILOVEYOUALLPLEASEMARRYMEILOVEYOUTHEBESTFRODO!  
  
Frodo: AHHH! HELP ME! PLEASE! NOT ANOTHER TRELAWNEY!  
  
Dumbledore: Please everyone QUIET!!!  
  
(All goes silent and still.)  
  
Dumbledore: Who is your leader?  
  
(A girls who looks to be about 7 steps forward.)  
  
Dumbledore: Oh, hello there little girl. Perhaps we can negotiate about freeing my comrades.  
  
Girl: First of all, oldtimer, I ain't a "little girl"; I'm 23, got that?  
  
Dumbledore: Oh yes, I'm sorry!  
  
Girl: Who are ya?  
  
Dumbledore: Your name first.  
  
Girl: No, you!  
  
Dumbledore: You!  
  
Girl: I asked first!  
  
Dumbledore: Well I…  
  
Legolas: WILL SOMEBODY JUST TALK AND GET ME OUTTA HERE!  
  
Random Fangirl: What's wrong cutie?  
  
Gimli: He has issues.  
  
Legolas: WHAT! I DON'T HAVE ISS- (is cut off by Fangirl kissing him) EWWWW! DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN OR I'LL- HEY, DON'T TOUCH MY BOW!!  
  
Dumbledore: My name is Ceasar Salad and I…  
  
Girl: No it's not. You're Albus Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore: Gee, nothing gets past you. Now your name.  
  
Girl: I'm (takes deep breath) ANNIEILOVEFRODOANDMERRYANDPIPPINANDLEGOLASBRICKFACE!  
  
(Fangirls applaud and the girl bows.)  
  
Dumbledore: Now, what do we have to do to go free?  
  
Girl: You can have everyone back except the hobbits and the elf.  
  
Dumbledore: No, I want everyone back.  
  
Girl: Hmmm… hold on. (Talks with other Fangirls) You can have Merry and Sam back but we keep the other 3.  
  
Dumbledore: No!  
  
Girl: Well, to get the other 3 back, you have to pay a price.  
  
Dumbledore: (aggravated) Such as? 


	22. Pucker Up

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 22- Pucker up.  
  
Annie: Let me ask my council.  
  
(Group of fangirls gathers in a circle and they whisper to each other. Finally, the girl steps out of the circle.)  
  
Annie: We have decided. In order to everyone to go free, Frodo must marry a fan girl.  
  
Frodo & Ginny: NOOOOOO!!!  
  
Herm: Shh! Do you want to get out of here or what?  
  
Merry: Sucks to be you, old boy.  
  
(Frodo whimpers.)  
  
Annie: Now who want to marry Frodo?  
  
(Mass chaos ensues as every single fangirl jumps to volunteer to be Frodo's bride.)  
  
Noise: OMGPICKMENOMEI'MCUTERNOPICKMEILIKEHIMTHEMOSTNOYOUDON'TYESIDO!  
  
Annie: All right, all right. I choose (closes eyes and points randomly through the crowd)… Britney.  
  
(A squeal is heard from the depths of the crowd and a girl with blonde hair, braces, and really bad skin runs up to Frodo.)  
  
Britney: Oh my God! I can't believe it. I'm Britney! I like to go shopping and listen to *Nsync, and, like, drool over you!  
  
Frodo: Um… that's… nice… (the look on his face is akin to when the Nazgul stabbed him)  
  
Britney: Annie, do I get to kiss him?  
  
Annie: Of course. It's a wedding.  
  
Britney: Eeek! Oh my God! Let me go clean my retainer! (scurries off)  
  
Frodo: (gulps) why me?  
  
Fangirl: Cause you are just the cutest little hobbit.  
  
(Frodo groans)  
  
Ginny: Frodo!  
  
Frodo: Ginny! Come what may, I will love you!  
  
Ginny: Yes! I will love you too, until my dying day!  
  
Merry: Somebody gag me with a spoon.  
  
Annie: Bring out the rings!  
  
Gandalf: Rings? What rings?  
  
Annie: Oh hush, there are no evil, possessing rings in this story.  
  
Aragorn: Yeah, that's what Tolkien said too.  
  
(A fangirl comes out with two rings. Britney rushes out and stands next to Frodo.)  
  
Annie: Now, do you Britney take this hobbit to be your lawfully wedded husband?  
  
Britney: I do. (With much struggling she places the ring on Frodo's finger.)  
  
Annie: And do you, Frodo, take this fangirl to be your lawfully wedded wife?  
  
(Frodo looks like he's about to cry.)  
  
Annie: Well…?  
  
Legolas: Get on with it shorty, I want off this tree!  
  
Frodo: (Mumbles) I do. (Shoves ring on Britney's finger.)  
  
Annie: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now make out with your hobbit.  
  
Frodo: Noo.. (is cut off by Britney jumping on him and making out with him.)  
  
Ginny: (bursts into tears) Get off him you horrible bitch!  
  
Herm: It's ok, Gin. He still loves you.  
  
Britney: (Standing up) Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm Britney Baggins! I'm Britney Baggins!  
  
Annie: You are free to go, but Frodo must visit Britney once every 3 months so she can brush and style his hair and talk about how cute Justin Timberlake's butt is and hold him and hug him and love him forever.  
  
(The girls free Legolas.)  
  
Fangirl: Buh-bye sexy elf-man!  
  
Legolas: Everybody run!  
  
(The gang runs until they can no longer hear the screaming of the girls.)  
  
Arwen: Well Frodo, you did a very brave thing back there.  
  
Frodo: Not like I had much of a choice. (takes ring off finger and throws it on the ground.)  
  
Ginny: Oh Frodo.  
  
Frodo: Oh Ginny. Hold me.  
  
(They both rush into each others arms.)  
  
Gimli: This is starting to gross me out.  
  
( 


	23. Damn Mirror!

Disclamer: Same as before.  
  
I'm glad we're making some folks laugh. That brightens my day!  
  
Notes to reviewers: Lynne Chan: I'm sorry but since the story is totally finished, Lee is not in the story, BUT Wanda and I will definitely put him in the sequel!  
  
Ch 23- Damn Mirror  
  
(Gimli is puking in a paper bag.)  
  
Frodo: You're just jealous.  
  
(before Gimli can respond, Legolas runs up and hugs Frodo.)  
  
Legolas: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! They were torturing me!  
  
Harry: Um…. Sorry to interrupt, but where are we?  
  
(Everyone looks around. They spot the Mirror of Erised.)  
  
Herm: What is that thing doing here?  
  
Ron: That mirror is the problem. It got us here.  
  
(picks up rock to throw at it.)  
  
Dumbledore: Ronald Carrot Stalker Weasley don't you dare!  
  
(Rock is dropped)  
  
Dumbledore: What is this doing here?  
  
Pippin: (walks up to mirror) Oooo… (sits down in front of it and starts to cry) I want them so bad!  
  
Sam: What?  
  
Pippin: Jellybeans! Don't you see tons of jellybeans?  
  
Sam: What? I see… (turns bright red) me and Rosie!  
  
Merry: What are you guys talking about? I see nothing but food and my house. But how can if be reflecting my house? We're here… not in the Shire.  
  
Dumbledore: This mirror shows us each what we desire most.  
  
Frodo: Then that would explain what I see.  
  
Ginny: What is that?  
  
Frodo: (said fast) Nothing.  
  
Harry: I see my family like before, but I also see… ARWEN! Marry me! (jumps on her and kisses her)  
  
Arwen: What? Get off me!  
  
Aragorn: GET OFF OF HER!  
  
Harry: No!  
  
Aragorn: Why you little…  
  
Gandalf: Stop! Did anyone think to get my staff back?  
  
Pippin: (zombie-like) Jellybeans…  
  
Herm: Get away from that mirror! (tries to haul him away)  
  
Merry: (shoves her over) Get away from him hobbit-hater!  
  
(They fight. Herm pulls out wand and turns Merry's hair tie-die. Merry throws berries from a neighboring bush at her.)  
  
Pippin: YAY!  
  
Everyone: What?  
  
Pippin: The jellybeans went from the mirror into my pocket!  
  
Harry: Hey that happened to me once. (starts kissing Arwen)  
  
Aragorn: Get off my girl!  
  
Legolas: Stop! Don't you see what this mirror is doing to you all?  
  
Frodo: (comes up from kissing Ginny) Isn't it great?  
  
Gandalf: (whining) I want my staff!  
  
Merry: Well somebody call the Waaaaaamblulance! Hey Little Bunny Foo Foo, get your girlfriend off of me!  
  
(Herm is pulling Merry's hair.)  
  
Herm: Get me off yourself, Hippie Hair!  
  
Legolas: (Takes out black cloth and studies it) Hey guys…  
  
Herm: (groans from Merry sitting on her back and holding her in a wrestling hold) And… girls…  
  
Legolas: Whatever. Look! This cloth I found is a sock. We must be on the trail.  
  
Dumbledore: The sock! Someone dependable needs to hold on to that.  
  
Legolas: Someone who doesn't mind smelly things. (holds sock out at arm's length)  
  
Gimli: Frodo.  
  
Frodo: Hm?  
  
Legolas: Here. (tosses it to him)  
  
Frodo: Thanks (goes back to kissing Ginny)  
  
Pippin: Jellybeans are yummy! I like jellybeans!  
  
Gimli: (looks in mirror) Ah… mines. (promptly sits down in front of it)  
  
Gandalf: All right everyone, let's go. We must be away from this evil glass thing!  
  
(Everyone mounts the animals and prepares to take off except Gimli.)  
  
Legolas: Gimli let's go you moronic midget. Gimli? Hey, where'd he go? 


	24. Everyone Has Officially Gone Insane.

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 24- Everyone Has Officially Gone Insane.  
  
Aragorn: Can't we just leave him?  
  
Dumbledore: No! We're not leaving anyone behind. I won't loose a man.  
  
Herm: Or woman.  
  
Pippin: Or dwarf.  
  
Frodo: Or…  
  
Dumbledore: Ok fine, whatever!  
  
Herm: (sighs) I'll go look for him.  
  
Merry: No, I will. He doesn't want you to find him!  
  
Herm: You don't know that.  
  
Merry: Shut up! (pushes Herm)  
  
Herm: You shut up!… woah (both trip over a bush and fall behind it)  
  
Gimli: (comes from clearing) Look guys, I found Gandalf's staff!  
  
Gandalf: Yay!  
  
Frodo: Oh my God! (points to bush)  
  
(Herm and Merry pop up hugging each other)  
  
Herm: Why didn't I see this in you before?  
  
Merry: I don't know. For some reason, I didn't see it in you either.  
  
Herm: Oh love me, hobbit-boy!  
  
(They smooch)  
  
Ron: Hermione! You stupid hobbit I'll get you for this.  
  
Gandalf: That's it. Everyone has officially gone insane.  
  
Arwen: Harry, please. I don't even know you.  
  
Harry: I know, Arwen, but I'm a powerful wizard. I'll treat you like a lady.  
  
Aragorn: You're 15, little boy!  
  
Harry: I defeated Voldemort. I ain't no little boy!  
  
Dumbledore: Everyone calm down. Harry stay away from Arwen or I'll bind you. Hermione, stop making out with Merry. If we don't get moving in the next 5 minutes, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, and you don't want to see a wizard have a nervous breakdown.  
  
Gandalf: Heh, heh.  
  
Dumbledore: Get on your beasts and let's go.  
  
(Everyone does, and they fly in silence for a while except for the random sucking noises coming from Herm and Merry.)  
  
Ron: Pew. What stinks?  
  
Ginny: Yeah and why did it get so dark?  
  
Gandalf: We have entered Mordor.  
  
Harry: Damn! This place sucks. It's like the graveyard by the Riddle house.  
  
Legolas: What's that up ahead? (points to a huge, dark, ominous-looking building.)  
  
Gandalf: Must be the factory.  
  
(They land.)  
  
Dumbledore: This is where us 9 leave, so say your goodbyes and make it quick.  
  
Ron: Bye Harry, take care there.  
  
Harry: Oh I will. I have Arwen.  
  
Arwen: No you don't.  
  
Ginny: Be careful Frodo.  
  
Frodo: I will, I promise. (they kiss)  
  
Sam: I want to go too Master Frodo.  
  
Gandalf: You can't, ok?  
  
(Sam pouts.)  
  
Pippin: Here, take some jellybeans for strength. (gives Frodo bag of jellybeans)  
  
Frodo: Thanks Pip. (puts it in his pocket)  
  
Dumbledore: Come on Hermione, we're leaving.  
  
(Herm and Merry are still kissing.)  
  
Harry: Herm? We're going.  
  
Herm: Can't… leave… Merry…. Too… in ….love…  
  
(Gimli rolls his eyes.)  
  
Harry: You were the one who was so gung ho about doing this.  
  
Gandalf: Whatever. We're leaving now. 


	25. 4 More Bite the Dust

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 25- 4 More Bite the Dust.  
  
(Legolas, Aragorn, Gandalf, Dumbledore, Frodo, Arwen, Gimli, and Harry all go around to the side of the huge building. Since they can't just march right in the front doors, they climb in a window. Everyone gets in safely except…)  
  
Gimli: Oww! Help! I'm stuck!  
  
Gandalf: Hmm, shouldn't have eaten those last 17 pieces of lembas should you?  
  
(Everyone tries to get him out but to no avail.)  
  
Gandalf: I'm sorry, Albus, but we must leave midget man. I regret it as much as you, but we can put a sleeping spell on him so that he doesn't grumble the whole time.  
  
Dumbledore: (sighs) Very well. Dormio! (waves wand)  
  
Legolas: Why must we leave him?  
  
Dumbledore: He's stuck, what can we do?  
  
Legolas: I suppose you're right. (walks up to sleeping dwarf) Farewell dear friend. We shall meet again at the end of this journey.  
  
Gandalf: We must press on.  
  
(The company presses on gloomily until they come to a sign that says "This way to Main Factory". It points down a dark hallway.)  
  
Gandalf: I will light the way ahead with my staff. (in an instant, his staff is glowing like a disco ball).  
  
Harry: Groovy baby. C'mon Arwen, we'll go next.  
  
Arwen: Aragorn, get him off me!  
  
Harry: Ok, now that's enough. Aragorn, YOU ARE DEAD!  
  
(Harry leaps at Aragorn, having forgotten about his wand.)  
  
Aragorn: What the- Hey! Cut it out kid!  
  
(Harry punches Aragorn in the face and soon Aragorn is trying to defend himself withoust seriously hurting Harry. Harry is flung off Aragorn, hits the floor, and lays motionless. His wand bounces off the ground and fires a spell that hits Aragorn and knocks him out as well.)  
  
Frodo: (grumbles) People are so stupid. Fighting over Arwen when she obviously loves Aragon.  
  
Arwen: I'll take these two back outside and tend to their wounds. Hopefully they won't wake up for a while. They were driving me crazy.  
  
Gandalf: Now our Fellowship consists of only myself, Albus, Legolas, and Frodo. Nonetheless, we must continue on our way. 


	26. On His Own

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 26- On His Own  
  
Frodo: We've lost more than half of our Fellowship. I thought you were the one who didn't want to leave anyone behind.  
  
Dumbledore: Well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  
  
Gandalf: Yeah, ok Albus. I can't believe this: 5 people in 10 minutes.  
  
Frodo: (groan) Does this hallway ever end?  
  
Legolas: It must. What I don't understand is why nothing has attacked us yet. No orcs, uruk-hai… What gives?  
  
Gandalf: I don't know, and I don't like it.  
  
Frodo: Hey, what's that sound?  
  
(They hear a whirring sound through the wall on their right.)  
  
Gandalf: Hmmm. (He begins to tap the wall with his staff. He finds one spot where the wall sounds different.) Legolas, if you please.  
  
(Legolas creeps back and runs at full speed at the wall. It busts open.)  
  
Gandalf: Thank you my boy.  
  
(They enter. Inside is an assembly line with about 100 Uruk-hai making…)  
  
Gandalf: Socks?  
  
Dumbledore: Guess so.  
  
(They all gasp as they notice who's in the center.)  
  
Dumbledore: Sybill!  
  
(Trelawney looks like she is very stoned as she continues making socks. She lifts her head and sees Frodo.)  
  
Trelawney: Frodo my beloved halfling!  
  
All Uruk-hai: Halfling?  
  
(They Uruk-hai all start running towards them.)  
  
Legolas: Oh shit.  
  
Gandalf: Legolas, you and Frodo go on ahead. We'll take care of them.  
  
Frodo: Two old guys against 100 Uruk-hai and an insane fangirl? You really stand a chance.  
  
Gandalf: I'm not as feeble as I look Baggins! …Ow don't touch that knee, that's my arthritis!  
  
Dumbledore: We'll handle it. Don't worry about us, just leave!  
  
(Frodo and Legolas run out.)  
  
Frodo: Just us? Legolas no matter what happens, you can't leave me.  
  
Legolas: I won't. I promise… Oh wow what a pretty mirror!  
  
Frodo: We don't have time to look in a mirror… Legolas!  
  
Legolas: Oh wow! Look at me. I'm one sexy bitch!  
  
Frodo: Legolas, let's go. (Runs up to him and tugs on his arm. Legolas doesn't budge and Frodo falls over.)  
  
Legolas: No, you gotta look at this.  
  
Frodo: What??  
  
Legolas: Me. I'm so beautiful. (Runs a hand through his fine, long, blonde elf hair. [A/N: Nice mental image for y'all].) C'mon, look in the mirror.  
  
Frodo: No! God, I really hate mirrors now! (Looks at frame of mirror) Oh no. "Mirror of Narcissus".  
  
Legolas: What?  
  
Frodo: You're going to be standing there staring at yourself forever.  
  
Legolas: And that's a bad thing? Are you making any sense right now? No. (after a second of silence) C'mon, just look in!  
  
Frodo: No! Someone has to get rid of THIS. (pulls white sock out of his cloak) I wish the sock had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. Goodbye Legolas. Fare thee well.  
  
Legolas: Yeah, yeah. Ooh, check out those biceps! Damn, baby, I am one sexy piece of elven ass!  
  
(Frodo shudders and walks on. He finally reaches a huge metal door that says "Through here to the main baddie" on it in flashing neon lights.)  
  
Frodo: So this is it. Through this door are Sauramon and Voldemort. Wait a sec: I've never even seen Voldemort. How am I supposed to fight him? (sits down to cry) I can't go. (tears start to fall).  
  
Little Voice in the Back of Frodo's Head: You must go, Frodo. You must save middle-earth.  
  
Frodo: From what?  
  
Little Voice: The socks!  
  
Frodo: They're freaking socks. What are they gonna do, eat me in my sleep? I'm just a hobbit, ok?  
  
Little Voice: You are a strong hobbit. You can do it. I know you can.  
  
Frodo: Gin? Is that you?  
  
Little Voice: Good luck, my love… (fades away)  
  
Frodo: Ginny! (stands up) I'll do it! (reaches out, grabs knob, and pushes door open.)  
  
Will Frodo survive the evils that await him behind the door? Will Legolas ever stop loving himself? Will Galadriel come back into this story? (Wait I can answer that now: no. Sorry Galadriel Weasley.) Tune into the next chapters of Ay Carumba! For all the answers to these questions and more. (We're almost done by the way folks. Just 3 chapters to go!) 


	27. You Bastard!

Disclamer: Same as before  
  
Wow, guys, I'm glad some people are liking this. And thank you for your compliments. Don't forget dear WaNdA now, she did write half of it. ( She's got her own page here now so go check her stuff out. It's mostly poems and parodies, but she's working on a story to put up (a serious one). It's some cool stuff.  
  
Ch 27- You Bastard!  
  
A/N: I, The Potions Mistress, wrote this chapter (not Wanda) because she didn't remember exactly how we wanted to end it.  
  
(A mist envelopes Frodo as he opens the door.)  
  
Frodo: Ewww. This stuff smells!  
  
Voice: Muahahahaha!  
  
Frodo: (trembling) Who- who- who's there?  
  
Voice: The main baddie, the king of the mountain, the-  
  
(voice chokes on smoke as it's owner comes into view)  
  
Frodo: (gasp) You!  
  
Snape: Yes me.  
  
Frodo: But… but… you're one of us! You were at the Council of Elrond. And where are Sauramon and Voldemort?  
  
Snape: Not here. They never were.  
  
Frodo: But Aragorn said they saw…  
  
Snape: It was me, you idiot! Voldemort is not that hard to imitate!  
  
Frodo: But… Mr., I don't understand your evil plot. Could you please explain it to me in typical bad guy fashion?  
  
Snape: (sighs) If I must. At Hogwarts, there are 4 houses: Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor. Weasleys, Potter, Granger, and Brown are in Gryffindor, Chang is a Ravenclaw, and Draco and myself are Slytherins. The Gryffindors and Slytherins have hated each other forever, probably because the damn Gryffindors are such holier-than-thou, self- righteous mama's boys, but that's besides the point. Either way, it seems as though Gryffindors are getting all the attention lately, and it's been pissing me off. In fact, the whole school would be better off without them, but how do I get rid of Hogwart's brightest? Then, I had a deliciously maliciously brilliant idea. I remembered this mirror, the mirror of Erised (waves wand and the mirror appears next to Frodo) and the real reason for its existence. The fact that it tells you what you most desire is a cover up- for the fact that if you run at it at full speed you get transported to middle earth. It's been used for centuries by our wizards to communicate with yours. I visited middle-earth and spoke to Sauramon dressed like the Dark Lord and made sure that people saw me. Of course, word got back to Dumbledore in a matter of days and, like the idiot I knew he'd be, he arranged a campaign to save middle-earth. He recruited Potter, Weasley, Minerva and I, not knowing of course that I was behind it, and we traveled to middle-earth to hatch a plan. I convieniently left the door to the room where the Mirror was open so some stupid kids would come in a play with it. And then, oh what do you know, Granger, Brown, Chang, and Weasley are in hobbitville.  
  
Frodo: Hobbiton!  
  
Snape: Whatever. So then, phase two of my plan: love potion time. They don't call me the Potions Master for nothing. I whipped up a tub and set to work behind the bushes. My first target was Brown, but Sybill, who was stupidly trying to get to Dumbledore, got in the way and I hit her and she pounced on you.  
  
Frodo: (gasp) So you're the reason everyone is acting crazy: Legolas, Cho, Harry, Hermione, Merry, and…. (gasp)… Ginny!  
  
Snape: Heh, heh, you thought she really loved you, didn't you stupid hobbit?  
  
Frodo: So it's all been a spell. (tear falls down his cheek) But she sounded so genuine. Why? Why are you doing this?  
  
Snape: Why? For the same reason you're crying right now. Do you want Ginny to leave middle-earth?  
  
Frodo: Well, no, but…  
  
Snape: Exactly. She doesn't want to leave either. Hermione's having a grand old time with her hobbit and Cho couldn't be happier with her ancient elf. Even Harry, who's love doesn't love him back, is content to keep on trying for her forever and Lavender is so heartbroken over elf-boy that she's too weary to continue. Do you see? None of the kids have any reason to leave middle-earth, so they won't and finally, Draco can be the greatest student at Hogwarts!  
  
Frodo: So that's what this is about. But the sock, the factory, the Uruk- hai…  
  
Snape: All diversions. Traps. And they worked pretty darn well too. I lured you guys in and eliminated all the members of your fellowship that could actually do anything to stop me. (turns around) Come Draco, we go to claim your prize.  
  
Draco: (comes running from left) Ha! Now Slytherins will rule!  
  
Snape: (pulls out wand) Go on hobbit, enjoy your life with Ginny. You seem like you are a nice little hobbit. And so, Mr. Baggins, I bid you adieu.  
  
Frodo: No! I have to stop you.  
  
Snape: (laughs) With what? You're a hobbit.  
  
(Frodo thinks really hard and remembers something. Snape is about to go through the mirror. Frodo pulls out a jellybean.)  
  
Frodo: Take this you overgrown bat!  
  
(Frodo throws the jellybean at Snape. It hits him in the eye.)  
  
Snape: (clutches eye) Ahhh! I'll get you hobbit!  
  
(Rushes at him, clutches him by the collar and picks him up.)  
  
Snape: Funny, there's now a direct conflict between The Potion's Mistress's two favorite characters. I wonder who will win…  
  
(The door bangs open.)  
  
Dumbledore: STOP!  
  
Snape: Damn! Potions Mistress why have you forsaken me?  
  
Random disembodied voice of TPM: 'Cause Frodo's cuter.  
  
Snape: Damn!  
  
Dumbledore: Your game is up Severus. Tell us the antidote now!  
  
Snape: Ha! Right.  
  
Dumbledore: EXPELLERAMOS!! (Snape's wand goes flying) Tell us now!  
  
Snape: Never!  
  
Gandalf: (drives his stake into the ground and sends shock waves to Snape. He flies up in the air and lands flat on his face) WHAT IS IT?  
  
Draco: Get up, you idiot. I wanna go home. I want to see my mum and my dad and have my 20 house elves make my lunch and fluff my pillow and…  
  
Snape: (in considerable pain) Shut-up, you spoiled brat. You're just like your father. Didn't you realize that if you were great I would be great as well?  
  
Draco: So you did this all for yourself and not me? Take him, Headmaster, I miss the common room.  
  
Dumbledore: (performs binding spell) What's the antidote?  
  
Snape: (mutters) Tequila.  
  
Gandalf: What?  
  
Snape: TEQUILA! You know, like the song.  
  
Frodo: No wonder Legolas was cured when he got drunk. Bring out the Jose Cuervo!  
  
(The 5 leave the room and get to Legolas.)  
  
Legolas: Hey you guys, come look at this.  
  
Gandalf: No, elf. Frodo, pull out a jellybean.  
  
(Frodo pulls one out and throws it at the corner of the mirror. It shatters.)  
  
Dumbledore: Good shot Frodo!  
  
Legolas: Wha? Hey what happened to me?  
  
Gandalf: Don't worry about it. Just follow.  
  
(They continue, find Arwen, Harry, and Aragorn and push Gimli out the window.)  
  
Ron: Hey, did you guys do it? Where'd Snape come from?  
  
Dumbledore: He was the one behind it.  
  
Ron: Figures.  
  
Draco: Haha! Check out Weasley! Hey did your mama make that outfit for you?  
  
Ron: Shove it, Malfoy.  
  
Ginny: Frodo! You're all right!  
  
Frodo: Yeah.  
  
Ginny: Why so sad?  
  
Frodo: Oh. Don't worry about it.  
  
Sam: Oh Master Frodo, I'm so glad your safe.  
  
Frodo: Thanks Sam.  
  
Gandalf: Legolas, where's the tequila?  
  
Legolas: Gandalf, this isn't a time to drink!  
  
Gandalf: Trust me, elf.  
  
(Legolas retrieves a flask of tequila.)  
  
Gandalf: Harry, drink this.  
  
Harry: Awesome! (takes a drink) Hey! Why am I all bloody? And why is Aragorn looking at me like that?  
  
Aragorn: Because you're trying to steal my chick!  
  
Harry: What? Arwen? I don't like Arwen.  
  
(Everyone gasps.)  
  
Dumbledore: You see, Harry was under the influence of a love potion put on him by Snape, as is most of our company. Tequila is the antidote.  
  
(The crowd parts and Herm and Merry are on the floor making out. Dumbledore advances with the tequila.)  
  
Dumbledore: Drink this Hermione.  
  
(She doesn't stop kissing Merry. Dumbledore grabs her by the hair and pulls her off of him.)  
  
Herm: Hey! (Dumbledore pours tequila down her throat and down Merry's, then drops her back on him. She kisses him, then realizes what she's doing.) EWWWW!!! (gets up and runs)  
  
Merry: Oh my God! Why was I making out with her?  
  
Dumbledore: You were under a spell. Ginny, you're next.  
  
Frodo: No!  
  
Ginny: I don't really love Frodo?  
  
Dumbledore: No, now drink.  
  
Frodo: At least let us wait until we get back to Rivendell. 


	28. On the Road to Rivendell Again

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
Ch 28- On the Road to Rivendell Again.  
  
A/N Wanda wrote this chapter.  
  
Gandalf: Alright, fine.  
  
(Herm and Merry fight more than ever on the way back to Rivendell.)  
  
Herm: I can't believe you put the moves on me!  
  
Merry: What? YOU'RE the one who did it to ME!  
  
Dumbledore: Neither of you did anything. Snape put spells on you.  
  
Snape: (bound and gagged) Mrf! Mmm!  
  
Legolas: Shut-up! You made me look stupid, greaseball!  
  
Draco: (mutters) Not hard to do.  
  
Gimli: (limping because he fell out of the window when a shrinking spell made his stomach smaller) Leave him alone, plastic hair!  
  
Draco: Fine, I'll mess with Hippie Head and Bunny Boy instead.  
  
(Merry jumps on Draco and punches him while Pippin pelts Draco with jellybeans.)  
  
Frodo: People, stop!  
  
Merry: (stops pounding Malfoy) I think we should give Ginny the drink now! Frodo's the only one who hasn't had anything horrible happen to him! Well, besides Pippin.  
  
Frodo: Yo! I had to MARRY a disgusting FANGIRL!  
  
Merry: And I have a rainbow on my head!  
  
Pippin: Cut it out guys.  
  
(At that moment, Draco jumps on Pippin and points his want to Pippin's head.)  
  
Draco: You want something horrible to happen to him? I'll do anything to him if you don't let me and Snape go NOW!  
  
Legolas: Get off the hobbit, moronic Malfoy.  
  
(Just as Draco is about to put a spell on Pippin, Dumbledore announces that they have arrived at Rivendell.)  
  
Draco: Drat!  
  
Pippin: No more jellybeans for you! (stalks away)  
  
Herm: Let's go see how Cho and Lav are doing. C'mon Ro- I mean Carrot Stalker!  
  
Frodo: (to himself) Not cool. Tequila time for Ginny. (sulks) 


	29. Parting of the Ways

Disclaimer: Same as before. And I did not make up Pippin's thing about cheaters, somebody else did.  
  
Ch 29- Parting of the Ways.  
  
A/N The Potions Mistress wrote this chapter.  
  
Elrond: (comes out with arm around Cho) So have you guys completed the mission? Saurumon has been destroyed?  
  
Merry: Not quite…  
  
Dumbedore: You see, it turns out that Severus was behind it all. (gestures to bound Snape)  
  
Elrond: You bastard! I wasted precious energy on that plan. Ah, whatever.  
  
Dumbledore: We'd like to go home now.  
  
Elrond: 'K Bye.  
  
Dumbledore: We need Miss Chang.  
  
Cho: I'm staying here with my elven love.  
  
(Elrond sits down and Cho sits on his lap.)  
  
Legolas: All right then, have some tequila to celebrate.  
  
Cho: Cool! (Cho takes a drink. Elrond is stroking Cho's hair.)  
  
Merry: Wait for it…  
  
(Cho screams and a slapping noise fills the air followed by a man's howl of pain.)  
  
Cho: GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF ME YOU DISGUSTING OLD MAN!  
  
Elrond: Cho? What did I do? You love me!  
  
Cho: Ewwwwww! (jumps off of him and shakes with disgust.)  
  
Elrond: Are you trying to kill me girl? Do you know that I can DIE of a broken heart?  
  
Dumbledore: She was under a spell, put on her by Snape.  
  
Cho: You idiot!  
  
Dumbledore: Respect your elders, Cho, no matter how despicable they are.  
  
Ron: But why? I don't understand why he did any of this. For fun?  
  
(Dumbledore untapes Snape's mouth.)  
  
Snape: I was trying to make all of the Hogwarts kids fall in love with people from middle-earth so they would want to stay here and Draco would be the star student at Hogwarts and I could be Headmaster. And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids and their hobbit too.  
  
Ron: But wait, I didn't fall in love with anyone.  
  
Draco: We just figured that you weren't much of a threat for me Weasley. I mean, come on, me or Weasley?  
  
(Ron actually looks hurt.)  
  
Pippin: You cheaters! I hate cheaters. We need to sweep aside those parasites of subsidized classrooms, who live on the profits of the minds of others and proclaim that man needs no morality, no values… (shakes head) Hey, has anyone seen my jellybeans?  
  
(Everyone stares dumbfounded at Pippin.)  
  
Pippin: What?  
  
Aragorn: I seriously wonder about that hobbit sometimes.  
  
(Ron emerges from a building carrying the bunny suit. He pulls out his wand.)  
  
Ron: INCINDIO! (the suit bursts into flames) Ah. (he chucks the cursed thing into Elrond's fireplace.)  
  
Merry: Can somebody please fix my hair?  
  
Dumbedore: It will wear off in a few days.  
  
Merry: Errrr.  
  
Dumbedore: (waves wand. The mirror appears) I think it's time we head off now. My board of teachers needs to decide what to do with Severus.  
  
Gandalf: Well it's been jolly good seeing you again Albus.  
  
Dumbledore: Likewise Gandalf. (They hug.)  
  
Elrond: Bye Cho.  
  
Cho: Shove it, pedophile!  
  
Elrond: It wasn't my fault. When you're 5000 and some beautiful teenager throws himself at you, we'll see what you do!  
  
McGonagall: Don't worry Elrond, I still think you're sexy.  
  
Elrond: Thanks Minerva.  
  
Lavender: Goodbye Legolas.  
  
Legolas: Bye Lav. I'm sorry for what happened.  
  
Lavender: It's ok. You couldn't help it. You should come visit Hogwarts sometime.  
  
Legolas: You know what? I should.  
  
Merry: Yes, we all should.  
  
Dumbledore: I don't know about this…  
  
Harry: Oh come on, Headmaster, it'd be fun.  
  
Sam: Oh yes, it would.  
  
Dumbledore: I'll think about it. And now, Miss Weasley, you're time has come.  
  
Frodo: Noooo!  
  
Dumbledore: Yes. She must do it. Drink the tequila.  
  
Ginny: I love you.  
  
Frodo: I love you too, with all of my heart. Just promise me that you won't hate me after you're cured.  
  
Ginny: Goodbye. (kisses him. Takes a swig of the tequila.)  
  
(Everyone waits breathlessly to see what happens.)  
  
Ginny: (after a moment of silence) I don't feel any different. Am I supposed to still love Frodo?  
  
Frodo: Ginny, you still love me?  
  
Ginny: Yeah.  
  
Frodo: Oh thank God! (they hug)  
  
Cho: Awww… Snape's potion must have missed her.  
  
Ron: (dry) That's real cute, Gin. Wait till mum meets him.  
  
Herm: And Fred and George.  
  
Frodo: How many brothers do you have?  
  
Ginny: Well, let's see, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, and Ron. And they're all older than me.  
  
Merry: So basically, if you break her heart you're a dead hobbit.  
  
Ginny: Aww, but he won't break my heart.  
  
Dumbledore: Say goodbye and let's go. Oh, and tell the Lady of the Wood that she is welcome to visit at any time  
  
Hermione: Thanks for a great time guys, even if I did have to make out with the hobbit.  
  
Merry: Oh why don't you… let's be friends, ok?  
  
Herm: Are you sure?  
  
Merry: Yeah. I'm sorry for being an asshole.  
  
Herm: And I'm sorry for getting pissed off after you tripped over my newspapers. (they shake hands)  
  
Aragorn: Hey, Harry, no hard feelings man.  
  
Harry: Good. I'm sorry Arwen.  
  
Arwen: It's ok.  
  
Dumbledore: Can… we… just…  
  
McGonagall: For heaven's sake, Albus, we're going. Keep your robe on. (Runs at full speed at the mirror. It swallows her.)  
  
Dumbledore: I'm going through with Severus and Draco. Bye all. (Runs through dragging Snape and Draco behind him.)  
  
Lavender: I'm next. Bye Legolas. (runs through the mirror)  
  
Harry: Wait a sec, what about Sirius and Lupin and Trelawney? Shouldn't we wait for them?  
  
Elrond: Sirius and Remus have already been informed of Sybill's condition and are on the look out for her as we speak. And don't worry about them getting back, Harry. There's more than one way to get to middle-earth. (smiles)  
  
Harry: If you say so. Bye everyone. (runs through mirror)  
  
Cho: Wait for me. (runs after him)  
  
Herm: Guess I'm next. Bye hobbits.  
  
Hobbits: Bye Hermione.  
  
(She runs through the mirror.)  
  
Frodo: Are you going to come visit me Ginny?  
  
Ginny: Whenever I can. You come to Hogwarts too. I can't wait until Pavarti and Padma and Angelina and Alicia meet you.  
  
Frodo: Is your school nice?  
  
Ginny: It's heaven on earth. (kisses him) See you real soon.  
  
Pippin: Bye Miss Ginny.  
  
Ginny: Bye you little cuties. (runs through the mirror. She arrives in a room with everyone else who just ran through.  
  
Dumbledore: And now, to close the seal. (waves wand and the mirror stops glowing)  
  
Ginny: No, wait!  
  
Dumbledore: For what? The portal's closed now.  
  
Ginny: Ron's still there!  
  
McGonagall: Oh dear. Well, he'll just have to wait a while. The portal can't be opened again for a least another week.  
  
Harry: Blimey, I hope those fangirls don't get a hold of him.  
  
Ginny: Oi Vay!  
  
THE END!!!!  
  
Yes, my dear readers, we have come to the end. Tragic as this is, I would like to thank everyone who has read this and found it funny. I would also like to thank my teachers for not yelling at me while I did this in class, and Wanda for coming up with half of the crazy stuff in this story.  
  
Sequel anyone? I already have some ideas for jokes going. Me and Wanda just need to work out a plot. Thank you again. And stay tuned for part 2. 


End file.
